Our Rainbow

I have sat down countless times over the past two weeks trying to write this post.  There have even been a couple of times when I have felt I had nearly nailed it, then after a further read it just hasn’t sounded right.
This weekend, our big boy, our ‘rainbow baby’ turns two.
What I wanted to write about was the journey that led us to his arrival.  The utter devastation we experienced when his big brother was born sleeping and his big sister passed away in my arms.  The anxious journey we then went on during his pregnancy, the countless hospital admissions, scans and tests, each of which seemed to bring more bad news – further complications and bigger hurdles we would have to jump, in the hope of bringing him home.  Then there was the journey we experienced during his six week NICU stay and the challenges we faced bringing a premature baby home.
I wanted to talk about how hard it was to bond with him whilst I was pregnant, and then when he was born as I’d spent my whole pregnancy convincing myself I would again be burying our child – even to the point we did not order the headstone for our twins grave, just in case we needed to add another name.
I wrote about how I struggled with anxiety for the better part of his first year, constantly worrying he was not reaching milestones, not gaining weight, looking for any potential health problems because of his prematurity and the fear he would fall ill and return to hospital.
I tried to put into words the emotions that ran through my head (and still do) every time someone would ask ‘Is he your first?’
I attempted to write about the expectations I felt others now had of me – I now had a baby, I should be ‘fine’ and no longer grieving the babies we had lost.
When I tried to tell this story, the way it deserves to be told, it just didn’t sound right.  So instead:
Happy 2nd Birthday to our precious, special man.  You will never know the love and light you have bought to us, or how much you are truly treasured.  Your rainbow continues to grow and shine brighter each day.
We love you xx
***A rainbow baby is a baby born after experiencing the death of a child/loss of a pregnancy.  It can mean many things to different people, I like to think of it as an acknowledgment that the beauty of a rainbow doesn’t erase the damage of a storm a family has experienced and continues to deal with, instead it means that something beautiful and full of light and happiness has emerged from amongst the darkness of the clouds.  The storm clouds may still linger, but the beauty of the rainbow provides light and hope to help counterbalance the darkness.

39 thoughts on “Our Rainbow

  1. I can’t even begin to tell you how much your post touch me I can’t imagine what you went through, I have two boys and they are my everything. You are a very brave woman, and lucky to have a beautiful little boy. Happy birthday to you beautiful rainbow boy. Xxx

  2. Oh Lauren what beautiful words you have penned. You have a way with words that have brought me to tears (again). I will never understand the depth of your grief, or the feeling of loss you continue to have over your twins. I will always marvel at your bravery and kind words you gave me at the birth of my children, courageously cuddling baby Timothy just weeks after your lost your own. And I will always enjoy seeing the look of joy and love on your face when I see you watching your sons as they grow and thrive. The world would be a better place with more mums like you. I wish Liam a very happy birthday and congrats to you and Scott for being his terrific parents. Xo

    Ps did this post not include a coffee reference?

    Xox Diana


    • Thanks Diana, you have bought me to tears! You are a very special friend xx

      PS – I even surprised myself having no coffee references.. I will make sure it doesn’t happen again!

  3. Oh Lauren, only being new to your blog I had no idea of your loss and I am so devastated for you. I can’t imagine what you feel about losing your babes. And I am sure they will be in your heart and thoughts forever. This is a truly beautiful post and if I could, I would wrap you in a big embracing hug right now. I am so glad that I have met you over the interwebs and our blogs.
    Happy Birthday to your rainbow baby, what a precious little man. Please give him a hug from me. xoxox

    • Thank you Sam, they certainly are with us every moment of everyday. Thanks for your kind words and I will give him an extra cuddle tonight, I am really happy I’ve met you too xx

  4. Oh my dear friend, what you’ve gone through I just can’t comprehend. To read this post just hit a nerve with me. You are, honestly, the strongest and most inspiring person I know, truly. I know you don’t believe it, but you are. You have raised two most adorable boys, you are an awesome mother and I’m so glad that I can be a part of their lives and that Elliott has these two great friends too. I believe that only certain people are chosen to endure challenges like you have faced, strong willed people. Love lots. x

  5. Lauren, I had no idea the pain you have gone through and will continue to hold in your heart with this incredible loss. Having another baby doesn’t make things better… it just makes it bearable. Thank you for your honesty and Happy Birthday to your little man. x

  6. I don’t think one ever easily stops grieving the loss of a child and in your case two. I especially love the way you describe your rainbow – ” the beauty of the rainbow provides light and hope to help counterbalance the darkness. Hope you have a lovely time celebrating your rainbow baby’s second birthday.

  7. Oh my god I can only imagine. My little wee miracle baby is so precious to me, I understand the anxiety that never quite stops, but I can’t comprehend the distress of not bonding due to fear of loss. Happy Birthday special little man!
    Don’t ever feel like you have to stop grieving your little angels xx

  8. What a journey you have been on, thank you for sharing! Happy birthday to your little man – mine just turned 2 on the 3rd, a fun age isn’t it? Love the explanation of a rainbow baby, very special x

  9. as a mum, I can imagine no greater loss in the world and my heart aches for you and your family, your angel babies and your inspirational strength.
    Happy birthday to your beautiful rainbow baby.

  10. Lauren I have my rainbow baby too (as you know) and can relate to so much. I call her our rainbow baby because she was born with the help of clomid and after many years of tears and heartache trying to overcome infertility. I was so anxious throughout my pregnancy, always thinking something would go wrong because that is all I knew. I also had heaps of problems bonding with her. I can’t imagine the pain of losing your first babies though, but I know that the people who expect you to get over it are ill informed. They have forever left their footprints on your heart and in your life. Happy birthday to your beautiful sweet angel baby. They really are proof that miracles can happen 🙂

    • Thank you Toni. You are certainly right that miracles can happen, we are so very fortunate for the amazing gifts science and medicine can give us. I know all babies are a gift and special, but sometimes I think some are just a little bit extra special xx

  11. I can understand why your many swirling, conflicting emotions might be hard to put down in words. Maybe that’s a post for the future, when you’re ready? But this is a beautiful post to honour your rainbow baby as well as those who weren’t lucky enough to celebrate birthdays.

  12. Pingback: Our Big Boy’s Construction Party | createbakemake

  13. I have goosebumps Lauren, what you have been through, it’s more than anyone should have to in a lifetime. What a precious gift your boy is. Happy birthday to him and ‘birth’ day to you. Thanks for sharing, and I’m so sorry for your many losses lovely xxx

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